I’ve just decided to write a blog post for some reason.
Two years ten months and eight days since Michael died. ………… I always say ,” died,” I don’t like euphemisms like “past on” ‘,” passed,” ” passed away” passed over ( passed what) “lost” (,do we need a search party ?) They all sound so gentle and death is harsh, real, final.. “died” is realistic, ,,” died” helps me come to terms with “hes not coming back.”That sentence promoted me to google euphemisms for death.. Hmm interesting.
Sorry, don’t need to offend anyone, black humour gets me through sometime.
Anyway, here I am and what happened to me? . In my own narcissistic way I think simeone may be.interested. Plus I’m speaking at am AA convention soon and might just mention this blog, as its been so instrumental in helping me get through the last few years.
AA has been my life saver this past two years ten months and eight days. Where else could I go and talk incessantly about how I feel and people listened, or at least pretended to. In truth they were probably thinking about what they were going to say!
Anyway, how am I now?
Just to give other widows in my position hope. The grief is nearly gone. I no longer have the sadness deep inside that may explode like a volcano. Of course there is a little residual sadness but I hardly notice. Maybe I’ll always have that. The down side of this is that, although I think of Michael often, Im not aware of his presence all the time like I used to , so I no longer feel hes with me in the apartment. Now I live alone. Not that I’m lonely. Most of the time Im not aware of being alone and I actually luxuriate in the sense of being able to do exactly whaHowevert I want.
Today the weather is beautiful and I’m relaxing on my terrace looking at the hills and reflecting on life. Its interesting to go back and read this blog. Interesting to read about the pain, which you forget, and the joy, which it’s nice to be reminded of. How important it is to make those memories.
I now appreciate the love we had at the end. When someone is dying all the petty things about each other that irritate on a daily basis, for us really didn’t matter and I think we accepted each other warts and all. That I now think is the basis of a relationship.
However that’s easier said than done. There are aspects of me I don’t want to show like selfishness, lack of kindness, jealousy and fear and the same for Michael.. but in the final reckoning these things didn’t matter when death is approaching.
I cannot contemplate another relationship. I thought I could a while ago and explored that possibility but two things got in the way, first I was gripped by a fear of going through that loss again and second I really don’t think I could find another for whom I could accept ” warts and all ” and who could possibly accept mine.
So for now I’m happily single with myself and my full life. Maybe somebody will come along, who I can feel as I did about Michael, but I can’t see it. I think I must’nt be greedy, I had a beautiful rare thing.
Unexpectedly a young woman has come along, not in a relationship sense but in a friendship sense. We have become best friends and share a lot even though I m 20 years older and we are very different.. Funny how connection comes along from the most unexpected places.
As I said, AA and the 12 step programme has been my life saver. After the funeral I bought a one way ticket to Paris and sat in meetings for 3 weeks and just cried. I couldn’t speak. Lovely people I hardly knew, looked after me, took me for coffee and let me cry.
When I got home I increased my meetings because I felt vulnerable and I’ve got very involved in service. I work on the phone lines one day a week. Nothing like hearing other people’s pain to put your own troubles in perspective and make you feel grateful.
Through what’s called ” sponsorship”, where on a one to one basis I have walked along the path of recovery with newer members, I have renewed my understanding of the 12 steps with fresh eyes. This also has distracted me from my grief.
Singing has been my other lifesaver. Other than the community choir I was in , I started having singing lessons and gave my first solo perfomance a couple of weeks ago at a charity concert, Ella Fitzgerald version of Every Time We say Goodbye and Bette Middler version of In My Life. Needless to say I didn’t sound like either Ella or Bette, but I got a rapturous response from sympathetic audience.
So I have no idea when I will blog again, but one day at a time, I’m loving life,