Now…Well I’ve finally done it,.. given my notice in, ..resigned, …decided to retire?
8 weeks and I won’t have to go to work anymore.
8 weeks and I won’t have to get up at 0545h anymore.
8 weeks and I won’t have to go to bed early anymore.
8 weeks and I won’t be waking up at 3 in the morning, worrying if I’ve caused a death by missing something anymore.
8 weeks and I won’t have to refuse lunch invitations cos I’m working anymore.
8 weeks and I won’t have to be so frustrated at work anymore, because I can’t give the care I want to give?
8 weeks and I won’t have to fill in all those stupid tick lists and proformas
8 weeks and I won’t have all that stress anymore.
8 weeks and I won’t continually have that constant dull little knot of anxiety in my stomach any more.
8 weeks and I won’t have to go out in the cold wind and rain anymore.
If I want to, I can get on a bus, with my bus pass and travel all over England.
If I want to, I can say “yes” to an invitation, without having to request the time off.
If I want to, I can book a bargain holiday when I see it, without having to check if I can have the time off.
If I want to, I can paint my nails red.
If I want to, I can dye my hair purple.
If I want to, I can wear rings on my fingers.
If I want to, I can never take off that special necklace.
If I want to, I can see my grandchildren every day.
If I want to, I can lie in bed all day.
If I want to, I can stay in my pyjamas all day and mess about on t’internet.
Or if I want to, I can get up early and go for a cycle ride.
What was it that finally made me jump?
Quite simply a bad day…. One of those days when there was too much work for the time allotted, too many demands, not enough time to care for women in the way they deserve, and the way I aspire to. The way I know I should do.
Nobody died, but that was more down to good luck than good management. And I went through the formal channels of reporting to management, but ” everybody was busy”
Over my 45 year career, I’ve had many crisis days like this, so what was it about THIS day that made the straw that broke the camels back? …..well it was realising that, as a coping strategy, other people around me had stopped having empathy for clients distress and worry, and I don’t want to be like them.
I also realised that it’s futile for just little me, to try to change the system. Plus I no longer have the passion or enery or even interest. So my only answer is to abandon ship………because I’m in the fortunate position to be able to do that.?
At the same time it’s still scary. Facing up to the fact that I am officially “old”, burning my bridges, because, unlike other life events, there’s no going back from this. No getting another job. Only forward into the unknown old age, we all plan this day and look forward to….
Towards the dream?
But eventually …DEATH?
Reading this back, it sounds a bit depressing, but no, two weeks on, I’m really happy, can’t wait. Now I’ve only 13 shifts left…and counting.
Gradually letting go of something that has been part of me for 45 years, since I was 20 years old. Through marraiges, children growing up, bereavements, sadness, happiness, successes and failures, my job and a lot of the people connected, has always been a constant.
But like leaving my family home and all its memories,( which I have never regretted). its time to move on, move on to a new phase in my life.
Take a deep breath and be brave Denise!