Quote “Were no hope is left, is left no fear” Milton.
I never wanted this blog to be a miserable “woman who’s husband has cancer” moan. But, I want to be honest and walking besides a loved one with cancer is an emotional roller coaster, Yet it is part of life.
I am not any sort of brave, self sacrificing, martyr, floating around in a pink bubble of gratitude, who has cheerfully carried on as if nothing is happening. I am just an ordinary woman, dealing with a situation however I can and I have good days and bad.
There have been times when I have been unreasonably intolerant of (what I see as) other peoples petty concerns,and times when I have lost my patience. But mainly I have tried to carry on as best I could, but suddenly It all got too much.
As we get nearer and nearer to the last PET scan and the results to tell us if the cancer cells have been “blitzed” (in the words of our wonderful Oncology nurse) I am getting more and more anxious and that knot of fear in my stomach just will not go away. It over rides every other thing in my life and tires me out.
All the coping strategies I have employed over the past 8 months, since all this started, suddenly are not working.
I am totally wrapped up in this, I can’t seem to get my head out of What if?
I can only cultivate a glimmer of gratitude,… for the NHS,…. for the wonderful medical team,… for the fact we have a roof over our heads, (unlike the poor people of the Philippines) for the fact that I am in a public service job, where I can take some time out , for supportive family , for friends and for a wonderful man who has stoically tolerated all his treatment without much complaint.
But just at the moment, I can no longer see the beauty in the world. Outside it is just grey and foggy.
I try to distract myself with people who are worse off than myself, and other things, but all the time What if? is shouting in my head and it is exhausting.
Michael spends a lot of time sleeping, and when he is awake he takes his time with EVERYTHING. He doesn’t want to to discuss anything than what is happening today and will not consider, What if?
“Things will sort themselves out!”
Naturally this is to let his body recover, but I find this place of fear very lonely. I want to DO things with him. Not to waste any precious moments.
I wake up with it, every morning, that “what if”…in my mind.
What if?…the cancer has not all been eradicated and he needs more treatment?
What if?….He needs radiotherapy. How will he react to this? So far he is blissfully convinced all treatment is complete. and will not think further than that.
What if?…..The back pain he complains about is a sign of more cancer and not just because of inactivity.
What if?….he needs more treatment and I need to juggle work and supporting him?
What if…..my contingency plans to sell my house and move to a cheaper place, so I can be free to give up work, don’t come off?
What if?….He gets very ill?
What if?….he gets a lot of pain?
What if?….He dies?
………(..Just having a bad day!)
..and another quote I came across while writing this…”. Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead. “~Jerry Gillies (edited)
Lets hope this is what I have done.
What if?…..he gets better?