My son described it as a “wobbly” …a sudden emotional reaction to a situation you thought you had accepted
Yesterday afternoon, finding myself in the haematology for the fifth
time in two weeks , I started to get a bit unreasonably angry and frustrated. . Already I am fed up of hospital appointments. Spending my time off and holidays in the place where I work. It’s like a busmans holiday!……and the anger was not “why is this happening to me? “, after all shit happens, no not that way of thinking, ….. but I really resent the fact that my life is on hold and I can’t plan anything and every time we come to the hospital, it upsets me. It is as if it is in your face. When we are away we can pretend that life is normal.
Hospitals remind me and I don’t want to be reminded. Also it seems that every time we come things get more complicated. The “simple polyp” Michael had removed yesterday is more sinister than they first thought and they couldn’t identify it. So we await the histology of that.
…..and I know they have to explain every side effect for legal reasons and for informed consent, but after hearing it all for the third time, we were both suffering from information overload.
To my amusement, after an hour and a half session of explanation, the nurse asked Michael, ” so do you understand what will happen tomorrow? “ and he replied “ yes, you will give me drugs which hopefully will make me better “! simple! That really is all he wanted to know!
I guess you go through these stages, before you come to a resigned acceptance of the situation, bit like grief really. The stunned disbelief at first, anger , fear bargaining, depression and acceptance.
We have not only had to go through this for the bowel cancer, but also again for the lymphoma blood cancer. So it is no wonder that I am having a little “wobble”.
We discussed how we felt. I think it is important to get it out in the open. Michael is impatient and just wants to get on with it, so it can be over. He strives to think positive, yesterdays polyp news shook him a bit for a few hours. Now he is already talking about Christmas in Paris! You have to admire him.
So I got on my bike and went for a hard ride to get rid of the anger.
Underlying all this is how do I deal with work? At the moment I am taking holidays, but they are not finite and I need to go back next week. I found it difficult to concentrate when I was at work two weeks ago, I feel guilty leaving my colleagues in a situation where they are already short staffed and under pressure. But that very pressure makes it even more difficult to do my job properly.
This morning I woke up with fear. Today is the first round of chemo. How will he react? How will I cope? They have warned us about mood swings, sickness, fatigue. Or he may have none of these. Time will tell.
One day at a time
To be continued.