There are times when I feel I am in a bad dream and I just want to run away and hide. Then there are times I find myself just doing normal things and it seems weird. Life is going on. There are times when I briefly forget. Then there are times when the continuous soft tape of cancercancercancer playing in my brain gets louder and louder, till I can’t think straight. .
Yesterday we saw the haematologist. I have known that Michael would need chemotherapy but I have not said anything to him, I just let him come to the realisation himself. I think he was disappointed when she confirmed that he would start chemo but he kept smiling, and just nodded when she told him he would lose his hair, as if he was digesting the information she was giving us. and as I watched his reaction l felt so sad for him. I am not sure who was more upset about the loss of hair, me, or me FOR him. I know he has always been thankful that he never went bald like other men.
I guess I had put it all to the back of my mind, until she reflected to us . That Michael has managed the myelodysplasia, got over the bowel cancer (which pales into insignificance now) only to find the lymphoma, (blood cancer) which she said had taken them by surprise. When she put it like I that it sounded like a such a lot to cope with. a double whammy.
After the consultation we went for a cup of tea. I just wanted to give him a hug and say it will get better. Even though I knew he would need chemotherapy I still felt a bit stunned with the reality of it all and I could see he was adjusting to the idea.
But there is nothing to be said, no words will change anything. As Michael says “ we just have to get on with things. ” Leave it to the experts to do their best……. I so admire his courage.
This morning he was singing as he got ready to go for the bone marrow biopsy! He has had this procedure before and was quite comfortable with it.
Tomorrow we go to Christies, the big cancer hospital in Manchester for a PET scan to assess if the cancer cells have spread anywhere.
Chemo will start the week after next. Six sessions three weeks apart.
“Lets just get on with it“, he says….
Love Denise
denisefrombolton 
What can we say only keep your chin up we have are fingers crossed for Michael and a big hug for toy.xx
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Thanks David and Sylvia. I kinow you are there for us. Love Denise
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Aw Denise, I know what you’re going through too well and it won’t be an easy experience but you have to stay strong (very) for Michael to see him through this one.
Also look for a support system for yourself, be it friends and family or others that are in your situation. We tend to put ourselves in the back burner and that can really take a toll.
I send my best thoughts and wishes to you, Michael and family.
Love,
Sylvia
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Hi Sylvia. Thanks for you good thoughts and wishes. Even though I have never met you (maybe one day) I can feel the empathy between us. Love Denise
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So sorry to hear of this update — it is devastating. Keep strong and try to take it one day at a time. Prayers and thoughts for you both.
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Hi Sylvia. Thanks for you good thoughts and wishes. Even though I have never met you (maybe one day) I can feel the empathy between us. Love Denise
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Hi Mimi, your prayers and thoughts are appreciated. love Denise
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Denise, my heart goes out to you and Michael. I know what a difficult time this is for you. All I can say is you know your friends are here for you, look after yourself as well as Michael, you have both been so strong through all that has happened. If you need a break from it all and can manage lunch or tea or just a chat let me know, love Janet x
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Actually, I am off for two weeks, but this week is booked up. After Wednesday when we know what day Michael is being admitted for the 1st chemo, I will give you a ring and arrange a meet up. next week. Love Denise
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You two certainly have some difficult times ahead – just know that we are all here for you and I know you will find the strength to carry on and do what is necessary – I, too admire Michael’s courage to “just get on with it”! Prayers to you both! And lots of love and hugs!
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Dear Sandy… again prayers and hugs are always welcome. Hope you are well too. Love Denise
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Denise, I hope that the doctors at Christies are able to give you some positive news after Michael’s PET scan today. Big hugs to both of you – you’re in my thoughts. Love, Mary Kay
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PET scan went well , he was just radioactive for a while, so no cuddles last night!! Seeing doctors Wednesday. Thaks for the hugs, Love Denise
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Michael has maintained his equilibrium and sense of life through it all. You’re both inspiring to me and you have a place in my heart and thoughts.
Laurel
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Hi Laurel. This blog started as a diary of my life, my travels and bikes, grandchildren etc. Never did I think I would be talking about what it is like to love someone who has cancer. It helps me to write it down. But, I feel, if my writings also helps somebody else who has a loved one with cancer, not just as inspiration but as empathy too.
Michael is an inspiration to me too. Last week he took the news with resignation. It is not always the case, sometimes he is awkward and cranky, but who wouldn’t be ?
Love Denise
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Sending hugs and best wishes and you and Michael get on with it.
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That was supposed to say AS you and Michael get on with it.
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Hi Janet. LOL!… yes I got it. Thanks for your good wishes. Love Denise
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Michael is being brave. But you are too. Sometimes I wonder if it is harder for the sick person or the loved ones who feel so helpless and angry. I hope you have some support, too, to help you keep strong. With very best wishes.
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Hi Bossy, well I don’t know. I cannot imagine how I would feel if it was me with the cancer. I don’t think it can be harder for the loved ones, it is difficult to watch someone you love in this position. and I feel for him. ….. but we definitely have the feeling we are in this together. As this thing develops we will discover more and more.
People ask about support. yes I have friends and family. . Family, especially children however, are also emotionally involved, so we need to be there for each other . You find out who your friends are. and it often comes from the most unexpected places. But it is hard for other people who have never been in this position so I don’t expect anyone to understand.
This blog helps me to sort and express my feelings to a detached audience, and who knows it may helps somebody else going through the same thing.
Love Denise
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I’m thinking of you and Michael everyday.
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Thanks Sylvia. It’s comforting to know people are rooting for us. Love Denise
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