There are times when I feel I am in a bad dream and I just want to run away and hide. Then there are times I find myself just doing normal things and it seems weird. Life is going on. There are times when I briefly forget. Then there are times when the continuous soft tape of cancercancercancer playing in my brain gets louder and louder, till I can’t think straight. .
Yesterday we saw the haematologist. I have known that Michael would need chemotherapy but I have not said anything to him, I just let him come to the realisation himself. I think he was disappointed when she confirmed that he would start chemo but he kept smiling, and just nodded when she told him he would lose his hair, as if he was digesting the information she was giving us. and as I watched his reaction l felt so sad for him. I am not sure who was more upset about the loss of hair, me, or me FOR him. I know he has always been thankful that he never went bald like other men.
I guess I had put it all to the back of my mind, until she reflected to us . That Michael has managed the myelodysplasia, got over the bowel cancer (which pales into insignificance now) only to find the lymphoma, (blood cancer) which she said had taken them by surprise. When she put it like I that it sounded like a such a lot to cope with. a double whammy.
After the consultation we went for a cup of tea. I just wanted to give him a hug and say it will get better. Even though I knew he would need chemotherapy I still felt a bit stunned with the reality of it all and I could see he was adjusting to the idea.
But there is nothing to be said, no words will change anything. As Michael says “ we just have to get on with things. ” Leave it to the experts to do their best……. I so admire his courage.
This morning he was singing as he got ready to go for the bone marrow biopsy! He has had this procedure before and was quite comfortable with it.
Tomorrow we go to Christies, the big cancer hospital in Manchester for a PET scan to assess if the cancer cells have spread anywhere.
Chemo will start the week after next. Six sessions three weeks apart.
“Lets just get on with it“, he says….