Coping with cancer. / Relationship


Day 26.

14th May2013 1400h

Hospital waiting rooms can be the loneliest places and this is going to be the longest afternoon of my life.  The knot of fear in my stomach is back.

Michael went to theatre about half an hour ago.   I am proud of his calmness and strength .   Of course he has charmed the nurses, they think he is a lovely gentleman.  (They don’t know he can be grumpy and awkward!)

Scenes from our life together go through my mind.

Seeing him walking down the street towards me and realising I wanted to be more than “friends”

Hearing him share the vulnerable side of himself and realising, I was in love with him.

Seeing him buy me flowers from a market vendor for no reason whatsoever and always bringing home gifts of fruit, ……..which he always ate himself! LOL!

Watching him stop and talk to a tramp,  when everybody else passed him by.

Walking toward him on our wedding day and him whispering “you look beautiful, I love you

Our wonderful Paris at Christmas.

I had held it together till he disappeared then the tears came. All the anxiety of the past three weeks came out and I lost it.

I know it is silly, because I think he is in the best hands, getting the best care,    he seemed calm and resigned, but I don’t like to think of  the man I love in any discomfort or fear or pain.   Now the mother in me comes out, I want to make it better.

I am very impressed with the  “enhanced recovery programme” which aims to prepare the patient for surgery and get him and his carers in the best psychological and physical state prior to surgery.

For the past 24 hours we have had lots of lists, asking what he wants ,  glucose drinks to build him up,, medication to stop him feeling nauseous, bowel preparation  a stream of Doctors, surgeons, specialist nurses, anaesthetists, the whole “team” come to see him one by one  and explain their role and what would be happening.  A bit of it was overkill when the surgeon explained to me  (again!) this was a serious operation and what was going to happen  etc etc.

 Sometimes you do not want to know what could be the worst possible scenario, Sometimes you want to hear the best!

This is meant to prepare us for the procedure, so there are no shocks, and so it would seem aid recovery,   but at least we did have the feeling that they cared and he is not just another anonymous unconscious patient on a list.

This is a refreshing change from the horror  stories one reads about in the press of uncaring and slap dash health professionals and is very reassuring.

The TV is on and the other visitors are awaiting births.  I am not really in the mood for being sociable and can’t concentrate on the TV programme so will go out for a walk.

I remember Ella Coquine, one of my favourite bloggers, seeking out beauty when she felt sad. So I shall do the same.

 With hindsight I should have arranged to do something this afternoon but everybody , family and friends are working or picking up children from school.

This is agony, this is waiting,…………. this is love!



6 thoughts on “WAITING, WAITING……….

  1. I truly admire your wonderful eloquence and beauty in your heartfelt words lovely… thinking of you and like Jane I so wish I were there with you too.. Only a phone call away if you want to chat xxxxx


  2. for some reason the pic and sign on is my son’s Marc! But it’s me Muriel posting that! Another thing I will have to get him to fix for me.. tom pee! xxx


  3. A beautiful heartfelt blog. I also wish I was there with you, but although physically it would have been possible, I’m suffering from some viral infection and the risk would have been far too great. Take care and hope to see you soon xx


  4. Oh Denise, I too join the others in saying I wish I could give you some comfort, you shouldn’t be alone.
    You’ve really touched me with your beautiful words of the love you have for this man.
    Everything will be OK, you’ll see, but the waiting I know is hard.
    Hang on!
    Sending you love and good thoughts from far away.
    Sylvia S.


  5. Oh, Denise – I’m so glad you posted this beautiful post – your feelings of love for Michael are so strong – he is lucky to have you by his side! I have been thinking about you all morning and hoping by now (Iowa time) that the surgery is finished and Michael is well into recovery. I too wish you weren’t there alone but sometimes that is okay too – you don’t have to make conversation and just can have your thoughts to yourself to sort out! Still saying special prayers that all will be well for both of you! Sending lots of love and hugs!


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