14th May2013 1400h
Hospital waiting rooms can be the loneliest places and this is going to be the longest afternoon of my life. The knot of fear in my stomach is back.
Michael went to theatre about half an hour ago. I am proud of his calmness and strength . Of course he has charmed the nurses, they think he is a lovely gentleman. (They don’t know he can be grumpy and awkward!)
Scenes from our life together go through my mind.
Seeing him walking down the street towards me and realising I wanted to be more than “friends”
Hearing him share the vulnerable side of himself and realising, I was in love with him.
Seeing him buy me flowers from a market vendor for no reason whatsoever and always bringing home gifts of fruit, ……..which he always ate himself! LOL!
Watching him stop and talk to a tramp, when everybody else passed him by.
Walking toward him on our wedding day and him whispering “you look beautiful, I love you“
Our wonderful Paris at Christmas.
I had held it together till he disappeared then the tears came. All the anxiety of the past three weeks came out and I lost it.
I know it is silly, because I think he is in the best hands, getting the best care, he seemed calm and resigned, but I don’t like to think of the man I love in any discomfort or fear or pain. Now the mother in me comes out, I want to make it better.
I am very impressed with the “enhanced recovery programme” which aims to prepare the patient for surgery and get him and his carers in the best psychological and physical state prior to surgery.
For the past 24 hours we have had lots of lists, asking what he wants , glucose drinks to build him up,, medication to stop him feeling nauseous, bowel preparation a stream of Doctors, surgeons, specialist nurses, anaesthetists, the whole “team” come to see him one by one and explain their role and what would be happening. A bit of it was overkill when the surgeon explained to me (again!) this was a serious operation and what was going to happen etc etc.
Sometimes you do not want to know what could be the worst possible scenario, Sometimes you want to hear the best!
This is meant to prepare us for the procedure, so there are no shocks, and so it would seem aid recovery, but at least we did have the feeling that they cared and he is not just another anonymous unconscious patient on a list.
This is a refreshing change from the horror stories one reads about in the press of uncaring and slap dash health professionals and is very reassuring.
The TV is on and the other visitors are awaiting births. I am not really in the mood for being sociable and can’t concentrate on the TV programme so will go out for a walk.
I remember Ella Coquine, one of my favourite bloggers, seeking out beauty when she felt sad. So I shall do the same.
With hindsight I should have arranged to do something this afternoon but everybody , family and friends are working or picking up children from school.
This is agony, this is waiting,…………. this is love!