Sunday. 21st April 2013

The words “ bowel cancer”  hangs over us like a big black cloud.

I have no idea what Michael is thinking and if I attempt to ask I will be “fussing.”

He started laughing ironically,  when watching the London marathon this morning.    It seems everybody is either running in memory of somebody who has died from bowel cancer,  or has survived and is running to raise money for  bowel cancer charities.    I know it is no different, but suddenly bowel cancer is all around us, a,  as a threatening reminder,  when Michaels way is to ignore it.

 There are adverts encouraging you to send a text to donate three pound,  Adverts asking us to give twelve pounds a month,  posters encouraging you to use screening  kits.  Tributes to “brave” people who dies of bowel cancer last week and so on .  We are  starting to get the giggles  every time something else comes along.

Of course I now realise that, previously it passed us by as we thought it did not apply to us.   Now of course these adverts are a poignant reminder.

We have different family cultures and approaches to illness and indeed problems.

 They just ignore  it,  or talk about “it” in hushed tones  ( “she’s had it all taken away, you know!”)  in the hope that “it” will somehow sort it’self out and disappear,  which it often does.

 Whereas my lot shout it from the rooftops, discuss it pull it apart, take it to the worst case scenario and deal with the imaginary consequences.    So if the worst happens we are ready for it.

Also with my medical background, illnesses have  no mystery or stigma for me and I like to know what is the full picture.

So he has gone to a car boot sale today, to keep his mind off things.     He did say that   “the worst thing will be telling the kids”  not much other comment,  that seems to be his biggest dread.

It drives me mad that he keeps things secret from his children, because I am included in the conspiracy   Last evening ,  he  was even going along with plans for his grandsons birthday party on May 4th, when with luck he will be in hospital, or recovering from surgery…….and I should be in San Francisco.   How will he explain I am still here?

But I have to respect the way they do things.  This is their coping mechanism developed over many years.

I can’t imagine what he is going through and I really don’t know what to say,  …. so I say nothing.   Maybe that is the best thing I can do for him. Act normally. Be nice to him. or not nice  as i usually would be.    I just want to know what to do for him.  Do the right thing.   How to make it better.

But of course I can’t. We are in limbo.

He gives me extra hugs, when he leaves and comes home and this morning I found him cuddled at the back of me in our huge bed.  When he never even strays over to my side,  ever!

Meanwhile the knot is constantly there in my stomach.  The time drags and it seems a long time till the appointment on Friday.

Thanks for all you people out there.   Writing this blog is keeping me sane!

Love Denise


8 thoughts on “FOUR DAYS ON

  1. Oh Denise, I do feel for you. It must be very hard to cope when Michael will not discuss it. David would be the same. He thinks if you can’t see it then it isn’t there, if you don’t talk about it then it isn’t happening. As you say everyone has their own way of coping.

    I know you are a strong person and you will cope, just remember all your friends are here for you, any time you want to talk to let off steam, or to meet up for some distraction therapy just let me know. Love and hugs, Janet xx


    • Hi Janet, nice to see you back from the wilds of Wales.

      Good to know also you are just a train ride away. I think it is time for some more research but I will know better after Friday.

      Needless to say my San Francisco trip has been put on hold for the time being, but I had booked four weeks off which I now don’t want to loose. My boss has been very kind and said I can work during this time but I still will take some time.

      Will contact you at the weekend.

      Love Denise.


  2. It takes courage and love to bare ones soul in a story like this; it’s cathartic. Your story makes me think of John Lennon, one of my all time favorite Brits, and probably his most famous, most quoted and insightful line…
    Prayers and Love …. “Hey Rich”


  3. Michael sounds a lot like my Tim – if one doesn’t talk about something, it will go away! Difficult to deal with a spouse who doesn’t like to communicate – however, it sounds like Michael is communicating with you in a different way which has to be comforting to you! I wish he would tell his children but then he has to do that in his own time – maybe he’s waiting until after all the tests and meetings with Dr’s before he tells them. We just keep praying that all will be well and soon this will all be behind you! Many good thoughts and prayers from Tim and me to both of you!


  4. Are you sure Michael’s not French? It may explain your passion for Paris! Hope the thought made you giggle… laughter is sometimes the best medecine. Wish I had more for you. xxS


    • Are Frenchmen like this?…. put a beret on Michael and he could be French!…..yes the thought did make me smile. We should concentrate on finding the humour in this situation. Ironic though it may be. ….and gratitude.

      One good thing is that I pay into a sort of private healthcare compensation scheme through my salary and we should get around £100 for the colonoscopy and more for the appointments and inpatient care So we could go out and have a slap up meal or something with that.,……and also being in the UK, with the NHS, there are no financial worries.

      Don’t worry. I know that it is difficult to find words. “It is, as it is”. As Michael DID say.

      Every comment means a lot to me.

      Love Denise

      Love Denise


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