As I wave of one half of my family at the airport, I always feel a familiar warm glow of love, some sadness and a bit of anxiety that some disaster may happen and I may never see them again……
For goodness sake! they are only going to Lanzarote for a week!LOL!
I reflect that there comes a time in every mothers life when she feels that hot rush of maternal love deep in her stomach, so strong it’s almost painful and life is never the same again.
Sometimes that may happen the first time the helpless bundle is put into your arms, as it did for one of my children, and for others they need time to fall in love with the child and it happens much later. As it did for the other. But most mothers can remember the first time it happens, when you KNOW you love this little person no matter what.
Last week there was a “bit of a dispute” in the family when, in anger, things were said, resentments aired, judgements made, that probably would have better been kept quiet, so feelings got hurt.
Still, nobody fell out, we are not that sort of family and hopefully when the dust settles and feelings calm down all will be well again.
Hopefully our relationships survive,because at the end of the day we love each other and that will carry us through any disagreements.
But, I can’t help feeling guilty whenever anything goes wrong with my children, or they are unhappy in any way. Is it something I have done ?, or not done?, that makes them like they are. Should I have been more strict? less strict? not worked? stayed with their dad? Lived on benefits? not had any new relationships? Devoted myself completely to them? or been more self focussed?
We all make decisions as parents that we have to live with for the rest of our lives and only hindsight tells us if they are right or wrong. At the time we just do the best we know how under the circumstances.
I hope my children will forgive me for the wrong decisions I made and bless me for the right ones.
On the face of it, postnatal depression, alcoholic, divorce, single parent working all hours, doesn’t sound like a great recipe for well adjusted children, but to their credit my kids seem to have grown into great adults and I am so proud of them.
I think we are a very functional family, in that we all try to support one another in whatever the individual wants to do, without any emotional blackmail or pressure for the individual to do what other members of the family would like, or think we should do.
But it does make me reflect on myself as a mother. Mayabe I should try harder.
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